I Am My Own Autistic Lab Rat Topic = example one example of how my process can end in self sobotage

  Beginning way back before age thirty I have had periods of desperately searching for more information to help better understand the things that make different from most. where dose X diverge from being neurotypical and become neurodivergent, to what degree do I view Y as an advantage or disadvantage and what are the ramifications. ECTERA AD INFINITUM!

  Over the last couple of days I have put a great deal of effort into provocatively redirecting my focus on this as a way of pulling back from the newly discovered sources of fresh, insightful and potentially life altering information available. There is a danger in this that I do not fault those who have never faced it in not comprehending. There is no sarcasm intended in sating that "they simply would not understand". 

  Having just deleted 4 well written paragraphs of explanation and personal impact I rerun to my original point. With the exception of  mentioning that I was for the first time able to derail an out of control obsessive state of mind. Thinking back, I wish I's saved those paragraphs for another time. (F@CK)

  As a result my mind kept falling back to the question of how could I have missed so much of this for so long! Burdened by the logic based nature of my, well everything I could not explain the basis of such a discrepancy. While I was talking to my fantastically neurotypical spouse without whom I would be well and truly f@cked, she did as she has often done in the past... Directed me to the obvious that my own nature blinds me to. (grumble grumble grumble)

  From 98 through the early 00's I read what I could find almost always titled "newly discovered" or a variation of. In my mind this equated to the peak of scientific understanding of autism. Any attempt to connect information with my understanding of myself not only failed but also offended more often than not. When I finally accepted that this was a useless source of information the idea of progress was never considered. I have reflexively avoided information seen in this context from then until now. 

    This is a prime example of  my neurodivergence as well as an indication of what looks like a small difference myself and my neurotypical wife is anything but.

 ~Should you choose to comment remember the expectations that Mr, Rogers had for you and choose to live up them~